“The claims that the difficult work makes upon our development are greater than life, and we, as beginners, are not quite equal to them. But if we nevertheless endure and take this upon us as burden and apprenticeship, instead of losing ourselves in the whole easy and frivolous game behind which people have hidden from the most solemn solemnity of their being, - the a small advance and a lightening will perhaps be perceptible to those who come long after us. That would be much.
“Even the sun goes down,
heroes eventually die,
Horoscopes often lie and sometimes “y”
Nothin’ is for sure nothin’ is for certain nothin’ lasts forever
But until they close the curtain, its him & I- aquemini”—
“Things aren’t all so tangible and sayable as people would usually have us believe; most experiences are unsayable, they happen in a space that no word has ever entered, and more unsayable than all other things are works of art, those mysterious existences, whose life endures besides our own small, transitory life.” - Rilke”—
“How the fuck am I supposed to make enough money to do everything I want and still stay true to what I want to do with all the competition in the world and more importantly, why the fuck is that an actual valid concern?”—
The Dilemma of Dreams, Reality & Control and the Possible Solution.
We all have dreams. Ideas of what we want to achieve in life, the things that we want, places that we wish to go, a lifestyle that we admire. However, although we all have them, the shape of those dreams are all different. For me, my dreams are more like plans in my head. I used to think that I was just a control freak and I tried to over plan everything until I realized that I dream in a methodical way. Its funny how society constructs and the media play into something as personal, private and instinctual as dreaming and what dreaming looks or feels like. My dreams are based on personal goals that are inspired by the type of life that I want to live. I have developed an idea of what I want my life to mean or look like based on what I put value on. So I made my personal goals based on things I’m interested in and want. For example, I want to become a professor of international studies at the university level and maybe transition at the end of of my career to a professor of international law. That is what I want. I then developed goals in order to achieve that. Like, I need to achieve at least a 3.8 in order to be competitive for Stanford, Harvard, Columbia and Yale in order to gain entry into their JD/PhD programs. I suppose it’s something like this: I know what I want and I try to do things that would enable me to move closer to what I want. However, my dreaming goes beyond overaching big things like I want to be a professor. I start detailing things…and that is what I struggle with because I’m not sure if its problematic. For example, an average thought process in my head is like this:
" I wonder how I’m going to do in Historical Methods. Hopefully this research paper that I write is good enough. If I can’t even write a small introductory research paper, how could I ever even have the capabilities to write a dissertation for my Ph.D? What if I don’t get into a good Ph.D program? It kind of sucks that a career in academia is the way that is. So often it’s romanticized. I mean it should be full of tweed blazers with elbow patches, warm colored mugs of tea, an east coast campus of brick and beautiful architecture, glasses, intelligent conversation, heated debates, staff meetings with brilliant people, students who love to learn, grading papers and seeing the growth of an individual and free time, right? And Professors should be able to afford the beautiful, cozy, medium size historical house. The one with dark hardwoods, crown mouldings and generous baseboards, lots of natural light & original windows, fireplaces, a reading nook, space for a modest home library and office and a beautiful staircase that is reminiscent of craftsman homes or the late colonial period. But….I….somehow know that a career in academia won’t be that easy and that ideal. Fuck, that’s scary. Why can’t I know exactly how things will turn out? Why can’t I be able to put in x amount of effort, care and determination and get y as a result? I fucking hate uncertainty. "
See. Madness Right? But regardless of that process being problematic, it is all ok because I belive that it will all work out as it should. I have developed a little theory or philosophy about dreams and control. I believe that although one may plan as much as they want and have an ideal of what they want their life to look like, it will never be achieved and it will never look the way that they expected. I believe that throughout life, one works towards achieving those dreams and during a moment of reflection, the manifestation of those dreams will be visible. They may not look exactly the same, but they have happened and been achieved in the way that they were supposed to. They came to fruition exactly through real life circumstances, not through idealistic and sterile musings. All of those dreams are custom designed by one’s life events and maybe in a way what you were put on this Earth to achieve. By the places you have lived, the places you have visited, the things that you’ve learned, the people that you have met and loved and been taught by. I’m not sure how it works exactly, but I also believe all those things are influenced by the purpose of our divine life. You will move towards what your life is supposed to mean and what you were are supposed to achieve by some higher power or design. One’s dreams have been shaped by what you have been inspired by and admired. Those are all things that we have no control over and so we have no control over what the achievement of our desires and dreams will actually look like. The only way that we can recognize that they have come true is a feeling, when you are exactly where you wanted to be and where you needed to be, a certain type of momentary peace is felt when you realize it. Of course it doesnt stop the stress, anxiety and uncertainty of today and everyday life, but at least you feel that there is progress, even if it is quiet. It means that you are enduring for something. Those moments of peace, I believe are few and far between in life but they serve a very meaningful purpose, to inspire us to continue towards the our true destiny and purpose even if when our will wanes and the drudgery of everyday life begins to seep in deeper. Maybe, in conclusion, dreams are the complement to faith in life in the way that they are the dividends of moving towards our true purpose even when we don’t know exactly what they are.
What are your dreams? What is your philosophy of dreaming? What do dreams mean to you?